Rootless & Yet Rooted

A year and a half ago, my world seemed securely rooted, established, and flourishing. Our family was settled. We had figured our schooling out and carved out our niche. Our children were growing and had we had finally graduated from diapers and bibs and cribs and endless little mounds of crushed Cheerios, and I had mentally moved myself from the chaotic and unpredictable  "mother of small children" category to the more stable "experienced and involved" category (not personally being able to conceive of belonging to both). We were rather comfortable. We were happy with our school curriculum, our neighborhood, our co-op, our church, and our extra-curricular activities.

Yet last summer, I found myself restless, and, if I'm honest, a bit...


...well...


...bored.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

I felt that I had taken the reins of my life and it was all going the way I liked it. And therein lies a big problem.
God ought to be holding the reins, not me.
He began to, so lovingly, convict me of my stubborn mindset that wanted to keep everything in its neat and tidy package. He began to pry my fingers off of the control panel. He placed me in a position where I had to stop walking by sight and rely on His grace to get through every single day.

I became pregnant.

And He began to prove to me, once again, that the only way to grow in Christ and to grow in love and knowledge of God is to trust Him...to walk by faith. To be willing to surrender to His desires for me and not cling to my own. A wise pastor from my past once said, "Do you really think you can bless yourself better than God can?" Far too often, I act like I believe I can.

Pregnancy for me is a grueling process. I feel handicapped in almost every way...physically, emotionally, mentally. My body seems to only contain only enough energy to grow the baby.
The first trimester sickness was much worse this time; I could barely eat anything. My emotions went haywire. My mind seemed to have wandered off to Pluto.

And yet no words characterize this time for me better than this one: GRACE. Grace poured out from God's loving hand all over the place. It dripped over me every morning as my loving husband got up to take care of the children and many times brought me breakfast in bed. As I sat languidly here and there and my precious kiddos took up the slack with smiles and a sweet eagerness to serve me in my inability. They daily delighted in the coming addition, and faithfully, daily, scratched my crazy-itching back, did the housecleaning, cooked, did their schoolwork, and picked up things off the floor for me. My littlest gave my belly a good-morning kiss and a good-night kiss every day. My husband couldn't stop smiling. Everyone was so delighted about the whole thing and the Lord kept on gently taking care of all of us...without my controlling help. I had to let go of more pride and self-sufficiency and comfort. And how good it all was! What better thing than to be separated from more of my sin and made to rely on my wonderful Savior more?

I wish I had faithfully recorded all the many, many little things that shouted "grace" to me during that time. There were more than I can now remember.

We picked out her name early on. "Charis" is a transliteration of the Greek word used in the New Testament for grace. How very, very appropriate. And we continue to enjoy grace in the wonderful delight that she is to our whole family. I can't imagine life without her. My heart is so full of love for her and gratitude for the joy she brings to our family.
Charis Joy...

Now she is nearly 6 months old and we are facing another, bigger, change. God is uprooting us entirely and transplanting us 275 miles away. He is jolting us out of our rut and refreshing us with our obvious need to yet again follow His leading by faith. He is removing us from our comfortable place in our city, church, homeschool community, job, and other groups that we've become so familiar with during the past 9 years. Here, we have many dear friends, familiarity with our area, a church we love, neighbors we know...removing us to somewhere I have never been and where I know almost nobody.

Of course I'm not the first person on the planet to have to move, and this isn't a particularly major upheaval, as moves go. Possibly all these things are coming as a bit of a shock to me because of the suddenness of the whole thing. Two months ago we had no inkling of moving. Today, as I write, my husband is 275 miles away in a hotel room, after his fourth day at the new job. It's almost numbing. And frankly, it's very easy to anesthetize myself to the situation by pulling back from my present relationships and mentally relocating before the fact so that it's a little less perturbing; a little less painful.

But God doesn't call me to protect myself from hurting or from painful circumstances. He calls me to faithfully love my neighbor--anyone God places in my path and life--even if my time is short. Wherever I am, I'm to bless and serve. And I am still here...for as long as He keeps me here.

It does feel surreal and rootless. I feel as though everything is shifting and I don't really belong here.  And in a way, it's true. This whole world is not my home. I'm an alien, a stranger, a pilgrim, an ambassador for another kingdom. I've been bought and sealed, and am on a mission of service to my Lord and King until He says it's time to go home. But at the same time, how I'm feeling doesn't dictate reality. I do belong wherever God has me. As a precious sister in the Lord recently reminded me, I belong to the body of Christ, here and everywhere His people are. I am right where He wants me, and have works that He has prepared in advance for me to do. I'm utterly thankful for this place of sweet dependence on His provision and timing, causing me to grow in faith and rest in His wise sovereignty and perfect love.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father,

 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name,

that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory,

 to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;

and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,

 may be able to comprehend with all the saints

what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 

 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge,

that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:14-19

 "In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise

the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath,

 so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie,

we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement

 to take hold of the hope set before us.

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul,

a hope both sure and steadfast..."

Hebrews 6:17-19a

He is so very merciful. He is my Rock, my foundation, my anchor, my steady and sure hope. No matter where I go or what happens, He never changes. He never forsakes me. He faithfully guides my every step and lifts me when I stumble. He disciplines me when I sin and encourages my heart when I get weary. He leads me (Isaiah 48:17), He walks beside me (John 14:17-19), He comes behind me (Isaiah 30:21), and He hems me in behind and before (Psalm 139:5). All my days were written in His book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). His plans are much vaster than my mind can fathom, and yet He considers me and remembers that I am dust (Psalm 103:14). What immeasurable grace.